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Hazard Zone
Even if he were not a footballer, Eden Hazard would still be getting laid on a regular basis. Thanks to the coolest name in Belgium. Well, thanks to the coolest name in Europe. Had to stop at Europe because when it comes to names, you just can’t touch the Brazilians. His first name however, must’ve definitely been an attempt at damage control by his parents. To prevent a childhood attack of HIV and other STDs for instance. The boy’s response was to just go ahead and become one of the most talented footballers in Europe. And for Chelsea on Saturday, he again proved why he will still get laid despite his not-so-straight first name. He was phenomenal, yet again. He lives in London, girls. Look him up, if you already haven’t. With a name like that, it shouldn’t be too difficult.
Theo’ Henry
I think Theo Walcott might be the kind of guy who cracks everyone up in the dressing room. His most famous jokes being the ones that start so– “A Frenchman, a professor and a football manager walked into a bar.” There is simply no other explanation to why Wenger doesn’t give him an opportunity these days. Agreed, most of his runs during his early Arsenal days ended up with him crashing into the side hoardings and his crosses flying past row z and across Thames. Agreed, he did not live up to the comparison with Monsieur Henry (He did outpace the man once though, covering 100mts in under ten seconds. His mode of transport while doing so still remains a secret). Anyhow, the boy is back and is back amongst goals, assists and a stubble of maturity. All he needs now is a jaw line to match and a few jokes that go – “A Scotsman and a couple of Italians walked into a brawl” and he will be the first name on the team sheet.
Unfulfilled Fantasy
I think I have to rehash my principles a bit. Not that I have many, but the few I have. One of them is to not be too keen about Manchester City players in my fantasy team. Well, there that is the principle that has come under consideration for amendment. I mean, how can I not have Carlos Tevez or Aguero in my team? Isn’t that unfair? How can anyone not have one of them in their team? Even the families of Falklands war heroes have Tevez in their fantasy side. And by that comparison, he’s done nothing to me to deserve not being in my team. And only because of that, and not because of the points they’ve been accumulating week in week out, I am bringing Kun and Carlito back. That is my way of kicking racism and other forms of discrimination out of football. And yeah, I might get Balotelli too. You don’t want to come home one evening and see your house on fire, would you? By accident, of course.
Flightless Birds
We’ve all seen bouquets being flung in the air during weddings and women scrambling to pluck them out of thin air. Now imagine a man in that group. He is over 6 feet tall, has a good leap and is of an athletic built. What are the chances of that man grabbing the bouquet ahead of all these women dressed in outfits that render them almost immobile? ‘Not a fucking chance in hell if that man is David de Gea. Such is the Spaniard’s lack of ability when it comes to dealing with anything in the air. Now take those women out of the picture and put two really big, muscular African men named Ba and Cisse in there. Now tell, my fellow football lover, what the fuck was Sir Lex Ferguson thinking? If Lindegaard was fit enough to stand by leaning against the posts, I’d have picked him.
The Usual Suspects
Visiting this column on a very special Sunday are the greatest players on Earth. The champions of the Europe and the world; from the mightiest of the clubs; the masters of El Clasico; representing Barcelona and Real Madrid – Victor Valdes and Alvaro Arbeloa. Just kidding! Ronaldo and Messi were up to it again, deciding the biggest game on the planet almost singlehandedly – in the former’s case almost literally, as he was spotted walking around clutching his shoulder through the last 15 minutes of the match. It is a shame however, that there is a media ban over these matches across the United Kingdom. They still think that Rooney is the greatest player in the world, the Celtic-Rangers rivalry is the fiercest and the premier league is the best in the world. “Spain,” they ask, “Isn’t that the place that had something to do with rain?”
You will walk alone
Nope. This one is way below even the immoral degenerate that is the couch hooligan to make fun of. Watch it, hate it and spit at it.
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FYI, this article made its first appearance on http://www.fansonstands.com.
